Why Allyship Matters: A Mom’s Perspective on the Challenges Trans People Face

As a Mom of a transgender son, I’ve had the opportunity of seeing how long of a way we still have to go to eradicate hatred and misunderstanding towards visible minorities in Canada - people of colour, disabled people, and queer and trans people. As a parent, it is tough to consider that many transgender people in this country still face real challenges in their day-to-day lives.  Allyship can help close that gap; consistent, thoughtful action can help to create safer, more respectful communities in our country. 

Understanding the Issue

Simply put, being transgender means a person’s gender is different from the sex they were assigned at birth. To really understand what transgender means, though, you need to understand the difference between someone’s sex, gender, gender expression and sexual orientation. In very basic terms, someone’s sex is based on their biological traits, their gender is what they identify as, their expression is how they present themselves, and their orientation is who they like. Contrary to how gender is often viewed in our society, none of these things inherently influences the others.

Note that someone’s sex is “assigned” at birth.  It is an externally placed label based on the limited physical information available at that time, which is expected to influence every aspect of our presentation and preferences. Boys are supposed to have short hair and play with trucks, and girls should wear pink and prefer dolls. 

These narrow expectations can be very damaging to many trans people, forcing them to hide core parts of themselves and creating many opportunities for those around them to shame them for exploring their identity. In reality, very few traits we have as infants stay consistent throughout our lives. Our height, favourite foods, and the number of bones in our bodies all change as we learn about ourselves and the world around us. It seems ridiculous to hold so many expectations based solely on the appearance of one’s genitals.  As individual humans, with our own unique perspectives and ideas, it's impossible to fully understand an experience that varies significantly from your own. But keeping an open mind and approaching others with a willingness to learn can do a lot to bridge that gap.

The experience for trans people, like my son, is very different.  They are denied their reality, told that they are not what they know themselves to be, subject to ridicule and harassment, and made to conform to a gender-driven world where they are told they cannot belong.

Even with growing awareness and legal protections, many trans people still encounter barriers that others don’t; especially those whose identities intersect with race and/or disability.

Here are some examples of challenges trans people face:

1.  At Home

Not all trans people have the opportunity to be themselves. This is especially true for trans youth, who may not feel safe being their true selves, even at home. This lack of support can lead to conflict, isolation, or pressure to hide their true gender. Some face rejection, violence, or being forced to leave home. When youth aren’t supported by those around them, it can deeply affect their sense of security and self-worth. This can lead to substance abuse and other unhealthy and unsafe practices.

2.  Unequal Access to Healthcare

Not only is accessing gender-affirming care difficult, but even basic medical visits can be stressful if respect and understanding aren’t guaranteed. This unequal access becomes even more evident when it comes to care that is traditionally gendered, such as visiting the gynecologist, certain cancer screenings, and sexual health clinics. Many trans people may skip these appointments for fear of facing discrimination. 

3. Discrimination in the Workplace & in Schools

Many trans people have experienced harassment or discrimination at work, including verbal abuse, misgendering, and even not being hired because of their gender identity. It affects income, stability, and overall quality of life.  At school, while some teachers can be supportive, that support and understanding is not guaranteed. Trans youth may face bullying, exclusion, and misgendering from classmates or staff. Something as basic as using the correct washroom or having their name respected is often a constant battle and can become a daily source of stress. Without clear policies or understanding, these places can feel unsafe instead of supportive.

4. Public Spaces

People who are visibly trans are at an increased risk of experiencing violence in public spaces, and they may be harassed on public transit or face verbal abuse while walking down the street. Transphobia is especially common in washrooms. Many trans people opt to use gender neutral washrooms only or avoid public restrooms entirely. Unfortunately, not enough places have gender neutral restrooms, and holding one’s bladder frequently can lead to health issues. 

5. Mental Health Impacts

Living with ongoing stress and frequent exclusion can take a serious toll on a person’s mental health. Trans people overall experience higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide. These rates increase when they lack access to supportive environments, and especially when they lack support from family.

6. Ongoing Misunderstanding

Even as conversations about gender expand, misinformation and assumptions persist. Trans people are often expected to explain or defend their identities, which can be exhausting and frustrating. Gender is complex and diverse, and attempting to fit everyone into society’s narrow expectations only serves to harm us all. 

Why Allyship Makes a Difference

By being an ally, you are simply honouring another human’s identity and supporting the trans community to be treated with humanity and respect. As a parent of a transgender son, being an ally has allowed me to build a closer relationship with him and feel like part of the solution, instead of adding to the many obstacles being faced by trans people. Allyship can deepen our shared humanity, foster tolerance and spread kindness.

This commitment has also led to my being a part of a workplace committee to increase inclusion, diversity, equity, and accessibility for all minority groups. My learning journey is ongoing, but every step brings me closer to becoming a better human being.

What Allyship Looks Like in Action

You don’t need to understand or have all the answers—you just need to be willing to accept, to help, and keep learning 

• Use correct names and pronouns: If you make a mistake, correct it and move forward respectfully. Don’t make the mistake about you; just learn from it and move on.

• Speak up when it matters: Challenge harmful language or behaviour, don’t be a bystander to transphobia. If you’re not sure, just ask if your help is needed.

• Support inclusive policies: Learn more about being inclusive at work, school, or in your community, by doing things like joining a committee about inclusion, diversity, equality or accessibility.

• Protect the rights of trans people: Keep up to date with policies that impact trans people in your area, advocate for the trans people in your life, and attend protests.

• Listen to trans people: A trans person knows their own experience best. If something makes them uncomfortable, that’s for them to decide. Their identity is theirs to describe, and you don’t need to understand their identity to love and support them. 

• Support trans youth and adults directly: If you’re a parent, educator, or mentor, work to create community spaces where trans folks feel seen, heard, and respected. Be sure to include disabled trans folks and trans people of colour in your spaces. Be willing to listen without judgment.

• Stay committed: Allyship is ongoing—it’s something you practice over time. The more you learn, the better ally you’ll become.

• Participate in the community: Volunteer for trans organizations, attend queer events in your area, and make a conscious effort to include trans people in your daily life

• Be open to learning: Seek out information and perspectives without putting the burden on trans folks. Read a book, watch a documentary, listen to a podcast, check out trans websites, etc.

Moving Forward Together

Canada has made progress, but there’s still a lot of work to do. Creating a country where everyone is safe, respected, and valued requires more than good intentions—it takes action.

Allyship isn’t about being perfect. It’s listening, respecting identities that differ from your own, and doing your part to make life better for others. For those who have privilege, it’s your responsibility to create the change you want in the world.

Everyone deserves dignity and safety. Be an ally and make a difference in the world, plus it’s good for the soul.

By:   A Loving Mom & Ally