From One Mother To Another

Clare Adams and Nicole Hale at the launch of their book - Twists, Turns & Fish Slaps.

As we take time this weekend to celebrate all the moms, I wanted to take a moment to speak to all the moms out there, as a mother of two young adults myself.

If you’re an expecting mom, you are already nurturing your little human 24/7.  Rest and treasure this unique experience of creating a whole new being for this world.

If you’re a new mom, I’d be surprised if you’re reading this unless, perhaps, you’re wide awake with a colicky infant at 3 a.m., wondering if you’re still sane.  Focus on you and your baby/babies, and don’t sweat the dishes in the sink or if you gave them non-organic baby food. You’re making it through every day—no other expectations required. Ask for help.

If you’re a mom to a toddler, you might already be counting down until they’re old enough to buckle themselves into their car seat, take themselves to a toilet, and ask ChatGPT their next set of relentless questions. It’s OK for them to be grumpy - they are learning to manage their emotions. It’s also OK for you to hold boundaries and ask them to wait for a minute.

If you’re a mom to a 4-8yr old, enjoy the moment. Soak up every second of polite, rule-following, cuddle-wanting, grateful, high-energy fun. Yes, it’s exhausting. Yes, they talk a LOT. Yes, your life schedule has switched from “which boob next” to “which activity next”. Remember to schedule in time for yourself, and if they don’t get into this swim class or t-ball, it’s not going to be life-limiting.  They will be OK.

If you’re a mom to a tween, much respect due! You are likely already noticing the shift to independence, testing of rules, and increasing influence from school and other children.  Some of the naive innocence is waning, and there’s the odd pang of grief when a hug is dismissed. You got this. They still love you deeply and need you more than ever. Take deep breaths, make space for them to flex when you can, and hold them close as much as possible. Be kind to yourself as you grow as a mom, too.

If you’re a mom to a teen, then you’re well into your roller-coaster ride by now, have managed to open your eyes, stop screaming, and are just rolling with it until you get off. You’re a grocery store, restaurant, project manager, and taxi service in one, while juggling their emotional roller coaster of hormones. You likely no longer care if the bake sale contribution was bought on your way to school - at least you remembered it. Take extra care not to lose yourself on this part of the ride. They may think you revolve around their world, but you don’t. You need their help sometimes, too, and you're entitled to make time for yourself.

If, like me, you’re a mom to young adults, then give yourself a pat on the back - you got them to adulthood. That’s worth celebrating. You’re in a new transition as a mom and learning to grow into a new role of possibly seeing them less, not always being asked for your advice, or needing to accept choices that you might not have made. That’s OK too. They get to be them.  You get to be you. Take the time to reflect on everything you did to bring you here. That’s huge.  Feel proud, relax, they got this now.

If, like too many I know, you lost your child at some point and today is another reminder of their absence, then be kind to yourself.  Honour that special mother-child bond in a way that feels meaningful or helps ease the heartache.  No expectations.  Nobody is walking your journey except you, so you are the only person who knows how best to navigate this part of the path. I’m so sorry.

No matter what sort of mom role you are playing — maybe adopted mom, step-mom, surrogate, foster mom, or just a mother-figure — it’s a similar journey. Protecting, nurturing, teaching, helping, guiding, supporting, and feeding — at least 3 times a day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  You’re allowed to feel tired at times.

I see you. All of you. You are doing the best you can for where you are at, day in, day out, often night in and night out, too. Some days are easier than others, some nights are ROUGH, but you are all that you are supposed to be. Happy Mother’s Day.